Monday, December 13, 2004

honey, i'm home

- so you know how when you eat a bag of chips or something and you're really bored, your eyes seem to wander over to the nutritional information (not because you care) on the back, and you are amazed at just how much bad shit is in it? then you feel kind of guilty. but it doesn't matter. so you keep reading. and then you get to the fine print. that's when you realize that there's seventeen billion and three calories in approximately eight chips!

- who eats eight chips?!?!

- so my dad recently went to scotland and brought back some chocolate,a nd i was kind of just sitting there, eating a bar of chocolate, and i glanced at the nutritional information. you want to know what the scots do?

- information for two bars of chocolate. two full bars!

- god bless them.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

something dreamy

i wish i was poetic.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

officer spanky pants

- i was having a terrible day yesterday, and after work i came out to my car and saw an alarming note on my windshield:

- 'this is a ticket. you are parked in the "aardvarks only" space. send eleventy billion dollars to owen.'

- and it was signed, 'the police.'

- yeah, i'm smiling.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

ricky's not smartin

- if you've ever worked in retail, you're probably aware of the strategy of piecing/recovering/straightening done at the end of the night to make the store look clean and shoppable in the morning. this is a custom we practice at the toy store.

- often, one of the aisles for which i am responsible for piecing is the puzzle aisle.

- in the puzzle aisle, there is this gigantic puzzle poster of ricky martin. i am proud to say that no matter how messy and disgusting the store has gotten, no matter how many kids have missed the toilet or puked all over the place, i have never once had to readjust the ricky martin puzzle poster.

Monday, October 4, 2004

droplets of splendor

- i love the rain because it makes me feel safe. i feel like every little droplet is falling just to be with me. they witness the world as thy fall and then join together once they reach the ground. all the way down, they discover your secrets and hopes and loves and dreams, but they won't tell a soul - not even you.

- also... i think it would be really fun to have sex in a hammock while it's raining.

Monday, September 27, 2004

c'est l'amour

- you know it must be love when your boy brings you a shoe horn.


- you better believe he treats me right.

Wednesday, September 1, 2004

i'm totally bummed that school is happening again this year

- here's the deal. i'm eating lots and lots of rockets, i'm not wearing pants, and i got 2 hours of sleep last night (at most).

- yup, i'm savouring my last week of summer.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

keep on thuggin'

- i would like to present you with a scenario.

- first, imagine that you're me and that you work at toys r us. good. now, one day, your given task is to get boxes out of the back, open them, and put the stuff inside of them onto shelves. to do so, i'm sure you can imagine yourself using a flatcart, a ladder, and a very handy, very portable, very shiny box cutter.

- now imagine that you store the box cutter in your back pocket for convenience sake. good. let a couple of hours go by. you forget about the box cutter and you go home and you take off your pants.

- the next day, your mother decides to go through your pants, and finds the box cutter. imagine really hard: what does she say to you?

"heather, are you in a gang?"

Thursday, August 26, 2004

o, canada

- if all of my other reasons for loving canada suddenly ceased to exist, i think i've just found one to replace them all.

- americans have reality shows where people have to decide whether they prefer love or money, or they get to survive in a house with all the necessities given to them, or, my personal favourite, they can choose a spouse for their parent.

- canadians, on the other (much more mitten-accustomed) hand, have reality shows that involve trying out for an nhl hockey team.

- our national anthem puts it "god, keep our land, glorious and free," but i'd say mostly glorious.

Monday, August 16, 2004

so fresh and so clean

- whenever i get new pens or pencils or paper, i feel the need just to write. it doesn't matter what or why, but i write.

- this feeling is the worst when i get a new notebook. i love notebooks, but i feel the need to fill them with anything and everything. i don't know why. just thought you'd like to know.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

mr. artist got my title

- when i was younger, every morning at around ten, my friends and i would group together on someone's front porch, huddled with our pencils and drawring (sorry i felt like being english there for a moment) books.

- what were we doing, you ask? we were designing the bad guys we would face in our afternoon game of "fight the bad guy," loosely based on mega man.

- my favourite bad guy that i ever created was this guy called "mr. artist."

- mr. artist was ultimate because he had this all powerful pencil and also an all powerful eraser that he could use anytime on anything. this means that instead of challenging you to a duel, he could just erase your sword. or even better, your limb.

- no one else really liked mr. artist. maybe it was too creative for them. maybe they felt too powerless against his wrath. maybe they were all boys and just wanted things that looked ugly instead of bad guys with any sort of flair. yeah, that sounds about right.

- all i can say is that i wish mr. artist was around now to get rid of this bloody sty on my eye. (am i the only one that feels ridiculously frilly when they say that? an eye sty?)

Tuesday, August 3, 2004

just like a one-winged dove

- it is very distressing to me that i am the only one who listed "chasing seagulls" as an interest in my blogger profile.

- have you people not lived?

Tuesday, July 27, 2004


- today i got a flat tire. i don't know how. i don't know why. i also don't know how to change it. so we called miranda's dad to come save us.

- today i went to my soccer practice, only i didn't have a soccer practice. have fun figuring that one out.

- today i went on a picnic with mike's family. his siblings are sullen. maybe they just don't like me.

- today i got lost for the third time in a week in my city - where i've never been lost before.

- today i had nothing to blog about.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

that duck is quackers

- mike and i went to crabby joe's for dinner tonight, and we got the joe's garlic skillet bread (with cheese, of course), so we were stuffed before we even started our meals.

- in order to counter the effects of so much food, we went for a giant long walk on a nature trail alongside a murky, disgusting, shallow river.

- whilst on the return portion of our walk, we saw a duck plunge into the river. why? i don't know. all i know is that the crazy thing must have been loony.

(loony, get it? like a loon? a kind of duck?)

- judging by the angle of his decent and the depth of the water, both mike and i figured it unlikely that the duck would survive, but we kept watch, just in case he managed to resurface. but resurface he did not, and i am now left with the memory of the poor, tragic duck who had simply given up on the world.

Monday, July 12, 2004

that guy

this is why i love caitlin:

her: heya

me: hi

her: did you ever lick that guy?


Sunday, June 27, 2004


- i have am currently wearing socks which are seven sizes too big, not actually mine, and filled with sand, a sweatshirt that says, "skateboarding is not a crime," and a bathing suit that is too small in the bottom and too large in the top.

- but i am incredibly happy.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

the cup

- i had to go get blood taken today.

- i also had to give some urine, and that's the idea i'm going to centre around, so if you don't want to hear about it, i suggest not reading any further.

- i was in the little, impersonal bathroom (which was not nearly soundproof enough), trying to figure out how to hold the dinky little cup as to not urinate on myself, when i started thinking about how the cup is a really impractical idea for those of the female persuasion.

- you see, we don't really have any way of aiming. sometimes it goes straight down, sometimes it goes all over the legs, and sometimes it does a little bit of both. hell, it's hard even to control the pressure of the flow. so how can we be expected to pee into the cup?

- and the cup itself is quite offensive. it's tiny, first of all. so they're either saying, "you should be skilled enough to aim your urine into this tiny container" (and then make you feel even worse when you can't), or "look at how tiny of a bladder you have" (and then make you feel disgusting when your urine takes up more space than the cup and dribbles onto your hands instead).

- and it's clear. that, to me, means the manufacturers of the cup intend for the stupid thing to taunt you when it's not full. "hey, look at me," it says, "i'm still empty. your bladder is really shitty."

- sometimes i wish i was a boy.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

- i am done exams. done. finito. no more.

- i would love to go on and on about how glad i am that i finally have my freedom and what not, but i am going to summer school to get ahead for next year. so i have a week and a half of freedom.

- what i do know is that things are going to change for me and my friends this summer. we have just got our licenses and jobs and such, so in that sense we are all going to have freedom. and it's going to be interesting to see what we do with it, i think.

- it's bare, bare, bare around these parts. sorry.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

i feel like chicken tonight

- okay so we've all had kfc chicken, right? or seen someone eat it? we're all familiar with the look and feel of the skin?

- now it's "do heather a favour" time. we need to prove my theory.

- stretch out your left arm (assuming you're using your right one for scrolling). move your right hand to the underside of your elbow - the part that would have been pointy, had your elbow been bent. good. now grasp skin. not too much. just a pleasant semi handful. good. now pull. feel the texture; look at it. - and what does it remind you of?

- that's what i thought. elbow skin = kfc chicken.

Monday, June 14, 2004

you put it where?

- so i purchased a dress last week. a halter top dress.

- that means no bras allowed. not the regular type, anyway. and since i'm not adventurous in the lingerie department, i only have regular bras. i am not exactly tiny in the chest, so braless wasn't an option.

- duct tape.

- i took a roll of duct tape and rolled it around my chestal region until i felt that adequate support was had. then i jumped around and felt the flappers flap, and put on more duct tape.

- although i would recommend this method to anyone who needs a makeshift bra, i would not recommend this to a hairy person. i am hairy. it hurt like a bitch to remove said duct tape.

Saturday, June 12, 2004

give it to me baby

- warning: you probably don't want to read this.

- this morning, i woke up with a strange thought in my head:

- "wouldn't it be funny to see giraffes try to have sex?"

- really... they're so tall and awkward. i just don't see how it could be done gracefully at all. not that any kind of animals having sex could necessarily be described as graceful. except possibly for dragonflies. they're so pretty to start with, and then they have to try and have sex whilst flying, without hitting random passerbys. like me.

- this message has been brought to you by: a very tired and distraught heather.

Thursday, June 10, 2004


- is this thing on?

- am i still allowed here?

- i am seriously sorry about the severe lack of me around these parts lately, but exams are over in a week; i'm sure you'll see more of me soon.

- tah tah!

Thursday, April 29, 2004

- i've talked about hot pockets before - about how they are glorious. and wonderful. and the food ones are delicious.

- but today i realized the error of my ways.

- i was at work trying to get some girl all set up on the computer. and since i am amazing, i was successful in my attempts. so she sat there for like 10 minutes, working on the computer. she is not amazing, so when she was done, she didn't shut down her program, so i had to go work my magic.

- in order to do so with ease and comfort, i helped myself to the seat in which she had just been seated. and it was warm.

- but not in the pleasant way. not in the way that might make you say "ooh, how pleasantly warm."

- no, no. it was so warm, it felt almost mushy. like when you put tupperware in the microwave, then realize it's not supposed to be in the microwave, and you take it out right before it starts to warp. it was pretty gross.

- in conclusion, not all hot pockets are good. i stand corrected.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

- is it wrong that in a world of love and fun and life and sleep and sex and sugar and doritos that the thing that gives me the most pleasure is not having homework? well. maybe not more than the doritos. but almost.

- really, that is a sick, sick truth. what is the world coming to? i barely smile when i see some of my friends in the hall. i don't have time to talk to my own mother. i drudge through my days not caring. but then, when i realize i don't have homework, i jump and dance and yell.

- does it get better, oh adults? is there a point where real things start to matter again? or am i lost forever?

Monday, April 26, 2004

- j'ai décidé d'écrire en français içi, car je ne l'ai pas encore fait. je sais bien que mon français écrit [ et parlé ] est pas mal horrible, mais aucun de mes amis le parle d'un niveau élevé non plus.

- si vous parlez le français, j'aimerais m'excuser pour avoir écrit ceci.

- la raison que j'écris en français est que j'ai voulu citer un extrait du livre l'étranger, par albert camus, depuis longtemps. le voici:

- "devant cette nuit chargée de signes et d’étoiles, je m’ouvrais pour la première fois à la tendre indifférence du monde. de l’éprouver si pareil à moi, si fraternel enfin, j’ai senti que j’avais été heureux, et que je l’étais encore. pour que tout soit consommé, pour que je me sente moins seul, il me restait à souhaiter qu’il y ait beaucoup de spectateurs le jour de mon exécution et qu’ils m’accueillent avec des cris de haine."

- je ne sais pas pourquoi je l'adore tellement, mais il semble être très romantique, pour une raison ou une autre. même s'il parle de sa morte.

Monday, April 19, 2004

- it is tv turnoff week. so turn off your television. turn it off!

- if anyone happens to get the chance to read adbusters, please do. i have read one issue and i fell in love with it. it supports anarchy and is against bad things. like mcdonalds. and george bush. (caitlin, just let me have this one.)

- some things adbusters suggests you do:
- find a relatively busy place and stand perfectly still for 10 minutes
- take off your clothes and observe your body in a mirror. see it as naked for five minutes, see it as nude for five minutes
- sit still in your home with the power off for 15 minutes. then sit still with every appliance turned on for 15 minutes
- observe your toilet bowl for 15 minutes
- drink only hot water for several days - it may taste sweet, or earthy; it may remind you of your own blood

Friday, April 16, 2004

- the other day at work, i spotted someone eating ritz bits sandwiches. ever since then, i have been craving them desperately.

- tonight, i purchased a box of them. so i was sitting here, eating my cheese cracker sandwich things, and i realized that they tasted more processed than anything i had ever eaten.

- and i didn't mind.

- it says right here on the box, 'with real kraft cheese.' i almost have to believe there's real cheese in the packaging rather than in the "cheese." again, i don't care.

- these things are delicious. really.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

- in my school, there are (if i can count) 5 vending machines. i am in love with one.

- i call him old vendy, and he is mine. well not really. he sits along side the snack vending machine and the ultra spiffy new drink vending machine. all he wants is to sell you water, or possibly juice, perhaps even a carbonated beverage. all you have to do is feed him his fuel of life and tell him what you desire.

- and you know what he does then?

- he yells (well - he kind of just puts it up in capital electronatized [ electronawhat? ] letters) VEND!

- and then you get your beverage. have fun.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

- last night, i went outside to contemplate the meaning of life. it was snowy and cold, but i didn't really feel anything. neither the numbness of my hands nor the wetness of my tears. i sat and thought.

- then a boy walked by. i recognized him, because i see him almost every day. just walking. he always wears the same sweater. it's black and it says in giant white caps on the back 'hey ho, let's go.' my mom read it out loud, once. i laughed at her.

- it occurred to me that his footsteps seemed too loud when everything else was so quiet. the only other noise was the rustle of trees. but his footsteps were loud.

- then i wondered if he was God. i seriously considered that thought for a while. as he was walking by, i asked him to give me a sign. a glance in my direction, a slight nod, even a cough. but he just kept on walking. and it was quiet again.

- i thought it was very symbolic.

Friday, April 9, 2004

- there's something refreshing about yelling so much that you can't speak without great difficulty.

- our school band concert was tonight. i think we sounded pretty good. yay us.

- but afterwards is what really matters: we all went back to breanna's for a party. that's right, i went to a party. (not a real party, mind you, there was no alcohol... but still... lots of people in a social setting means i'm moving up the social ladder.... or at least finding other losers with whom to spend time)

- at breanna's, we played a super intense game of spoons, during which i had a chunk of skin clawed out of my pinky by my lovely and wonderful friends julie and owen. i also got a pair of socks donated to me by breanna's 10 year old brother, via breanna's parents.

- aaaand we sat around a bonfire. singing. loudly. sometimes, pleasant songs (for example, when we sang beatles' songs). sometimes, not-so-pleasant songs (for example, when we sang the spice girls' songs). but it was all fun.

Sunday, April 4, 2004

- sorry about the typical kind of post, but here are a few things i learned today:

- boys are good stuff holders.
- the principal doesn't really care whether you go to math class or not.
- if you have a scab, and you pick it, it will always bleed.
- it's always possible to find something to criticize.
- papercuts between fingers can be cured with sweat.
- people will never appreciate what you do.
- day 2 hair only ever looks bad if you need it to look good.
- there are two kinds of swallows.

Saturday, April 3, 2004

- when i left my house today to drive maddie home, a thought ran through my head: "what if this is the last time i'm ever home?" it kind of creeped my out, but then, i'm weird, so i went on my merry way.

- on the way home from maddie's, i decided that i needed money, so i went to the drive-through at my bank. once i had all my cards and papers and bills and such in order, i went to the driveway thing and prepared myself to make a left across the busiest road in my city.

- i had probably been sitting there for about five minutes when i finally got a considerable break in traffic, so out i went. and out i stopped. that's right, my car stopped moving halfway across two lanes of traffic in the middle of the busiest road in my city.

- aah!

- my first thought was that i was out of gas. i looked at my gas gauge. it was more than half full. well, was i in the proper gear? yup, the big orange D told me so. "wait - drive? but... i'm going... backwards?"

- so my car had stopped moving for an instant, then it started moving backwards. to me, that was better than nothing - at least i was getting out of the road, a little. so my car put itself nicely back into the parking lot from which i had just emerged. did i say nicely? i meant that my front half was still halfway into the road.

- by this time, traffic had started making its way towards me. cars were forced to stop and go around and such. i honestly thought i was going to die, and the breakdown started. i started crying. i was just waiting for someone to come along and not be paying enough attention. as i watched one car make its way around me, it struck me as hilarious that the last thing i might see would be this carload of chinese people staring at me in awe, wonder, and surprise.

- i was incredibly desperate now. i decided to put my car into reverse, to see if it would be nice and reverse me into the parking lot. apparently, it was opposite day today; it went forward.

- after that, i'm not really sure what happened. i think i turned my key about a bagillion times, put my foot on the brake and gas pedals repeatedly, and probably changed gears a lot, too. finally, my car went the rest of the way into the parking lot.

- i don't know how i made it into a parking spot, as i couldn't even see at this point, and i also don't know how i managed to dial my phone number, but i talked to my dad and he biked up to rescue me. then i called maddie and cried at her. then i hung up and cried some more. then my dad got there and everything was better.

Thursday, April 1, 2004

- my music teacher likes his chair. a lot.

- owen and i stole his chair. we left a ransom note with correct spelling and grammar. he looked for his chair. a lot.

- he found us chair. he made us right a lot of lines (the spelling and grammar gave me away, jeff gave owen away). a lot.

- he left the room again. we thought he was a big idiot for leaving the room again. we stole his chair again. we left a ransom note again. he didn't find his chair this time. after class, we took his chair for a "stroll" around to the front of the school to partake in a lovely class photograph.

- "mr. s," said the announcement lady, a few minutes later, "your new chair is here."

- it had a bow on it.

- he's going to make us write a lot of lines tomorrow. a lot.

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

- everyone had their favourite toys growing up, right? most of you probably had your easy bake ovens and your task-doing dolls and your goo-spurting zombie things. i got all my sisters' hand-me-down toys. these included, but were not limited to, a speak 'n' spell, a lite brite, a couple marker covered cabbage patch kids, and a surprisingly large amount of defective balls and yoyos and frisbees.

- so imagine my wonder and delight when i discovered that this site exists. that's right, folks, an "e-lite brite," if you will.

- i am so not doing my homework.

Monday, March 29, 2004

- i have told you before of my V8 Splash fetish, but i think it might have gone a little too far this time.

- you see, i had soccer try outs. and they were tiring. and then richgirl's mom brought us ice cream bars. they did not help the dehydration factor.

- so i got home, and all i wanted to do was to sit down, but i was also in desperate need of something to drink. desperate. so i looked in the fridge, and there was this giant bottle of V8 Splash, staring me in the face. sixty four fluid ounces, it said.

- by this time, it was one of those devil on the left shoulder, angel on the right shoulder deals. but i'm deaf in my right ear**, so instead of taking sooo much time and effort to take the bottle out, take a cup out, unscrew the lid, tip the bottle... well, you get the idea. i just grabbed the bottle and had a seat in my loving computer chair. and that's where we are now.

- sixty four fluid ounces. i'm going to need to pee like a racehorse in the middle of the night.

**this is a lie. i put it in for dramatic fun.

Sunday, March 28, 2004

- i stole this idea from wastelandletters.

- take a band/singer and fill in the blanks with their song titles.

- i chose our lady peace:

i feel INNOCENT.
i see myself as NOT ENOUGH.
i see my past as CLUMSY.
my future looks like SHAKING.
i think SOMEWHERE OUT THERE is attractive.
my slogan should be IN REPAIR.
don't ever SELL MY SOUL.
i consider HOPE to be LIFE.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

- i've noticed that the "granny" style is so far gone on the loop of coolness that it is looping back to cool. i blame it mostly on the outburst of those tannish plaid pants a couple years ago. since then, there's been no going back.

- i happened to look around my english class today [what an odd, odd thing to do], and i noticed that most, if not all of the "cool" girls were wearing something "formerly known as" granny. mostly it was knitted sweaters. in the day, they might have been called "cardigans" or "granny sweaters". but now, they're cool.

- i don't get it, but i hope this means that the girlies who wear the short pants with the thongs will stop having the attack of the crack and start wearing granny panties.

- if i shoot baskets and bowl granny style, am i cool? double cool, even?

Monday, March 22, 2004

- the time has come. you need to learn about my experiences with llamas.

- in my town, there is a petting zoo, or an "animal farm," as it prefers to be called. my dad used to take me every sunday, no matter the weather conditions. until i was about 11 or so, there were your typical animals to be petted: goats, sheep, pigs, cows, donkeys, geese, ducks, rabbits, etc. - and then came the llamas.

- they were really cool at first, especially when i knew their names (i think the brown one was sir jeffery and the white one was isabelle. or i might have just made that up right now. i'm not sure). so since they were so cool, i asked one of the petting zoo ladies (animal farming ladies, sorry) what they especially liked to eat, so that i could single handedly make them happy. oats, she replied.

- oats indeed. i made my parents go out and buy some for the next sunday. and the next sunday, i was all prepared with my oats and my 11 year old braveness. i walked up to the brown llama (sir jeffery, in my mind, anyway) with my arms outstretched, offering him the world. and he accepted.

- for a few moments, anyway. he munched the oats for probably five seconds, then kind of snorted, looked at me, and spat on me... with the oats in his mouth.

- needless to say, it was gross. so llamas aren't exactly in my good books, as it were.

- not only that, but they had the audacity to tack an extra letter in front of their name. no offense to anyone named lloyd (well really, i do mean offense to people named lloyd, and anyone else who was a double consonant to start their name), but who does that? would i be better off if my name was hheather? no! it's just stupid.

- just for fun... since we're on the topic of llamas, go here.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

- i love hot pockets. not those pastry rolls stuffed with all kinds of processed goodness**, but the warm spots you make in your bed because of your massive amount of fat. here, let me explain:

- they feel secure and safe. if i've been scared about something (for example, evil aliens following me around to capture me and harvest me, as was my fear after viewing signs), and then i crawl (or leap, as the case so often is) into bed, i suddenly feel better. the world is a less threatening place in the hot pockets.

- not only that, but it's always quiet and empty in the hot pockets. this leaves lots of time open for making loud armpit farts to fill the void pondering the meaning of the occurrences of that day. i get a lot of things figured out (and new things messed up) lying in my hot pocket.

- most of all, they're plain ol' comfortable. there's something about your own body heat that puts you at ease - kind of like your mother's cooking. no matter how nice someone else's is (or someone else's mother's is), you still like your own better. i'm not one to nap easily, but you could give me five minutes in my bed to make a hot pocket, and you better believe i'd be asleep.

- so.. yeah. power to the hot pockets.

**not that i have anything against those pastry rolls stuffed with all kinds of processed goodness. cause i don't.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

- it starts raining when you want to do stuff and it never stops

- the devil said to me, "put down your pen, dear, your pen. go get yourself a friend, love, a friend. you can hurt yourself again, dear, again. just put down your pen."

- anna sings softly in the night her words taste like candy corn and milkshakes but no one's listening

- the piano man plays his song; look at his fingers moving. he cares about his song; look at his fingers moving.

- the lights are too bright to see what truly lies beneath the surface but i can see the shadow of deceit swimming inside of you

- it's raining and i can't keep my mind on anything but the patter patter of drops running down my window the way tears would do on a cheek robbed of innocence

Monday, March 15, 2004

- why english is such a pain:

1. the bandage was wound around the wound.
2. the farm was used to produce produce.
3. the soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
4. since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
5. a bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
6. when shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
7. the insurance was invalid for the invalid.
8. i did not object to the object.
9. they were too close to the door to close it.
10. the wind was too strong to wind the sail.

Saturday, March 13, 2004

- hamsters bark. i'm not even kidding. my sister tried to pick up my hamster and she dropped him on his cage. when she went to touch him again, he started making noises at her that sounded somewhere in between a crow and a squirrel. it was rather freaky.

- not that i blame him or anything. i mean, sure, maybe he shouldn't have been so wiggly, but if i fell on top of some metal bars, i would probably utter some sort of previously unheard of noises myself.

Tuesday, March 9, 2004

- you know how a lot of advertising slogans and what not say something along the lines of "to us, you're a name, not a number". well, i spit on that.

- first of all, there are more numbers than people in the world. if there aren't, just make more. so at least with a number, you are individual. and while it's true that you could just make a new name, most people can't do that without ruining any chances their child had to hold their head high in the world. with a number, there is virtually no way that this john smith is going to be confused with that john smith.

- secondly, names are supposed to be a representation of people, and people are unstable. people are unsure, so what's the good of giving them a name? names, like people, change, and are no comfort when we're looking for stability. if my name were "elizabeth", people might call me "elizabeth" or "liz" or "beth"... some people might get technical and call me "eliza" or "abeth". but all that would just be for me. where's the certainty, yo? oh, right, with a number. if i was "725 648 977," there's not much you can do to that to make me unsure that it's me. and i like to be sure.

Monday, March 8, 2004

- i hate it when you're just about to pull into your driveway and a good song ends and then a crappy song comes on, but you're too close to home to make it worthwhile to change the station, but the song is on for just long enough to grate on your nerves.

- for example, i was just getting home from purchasing delicious candy for the band trip tomorrow when the sweater song ended. and what better to follow weezer than kid rock? no, wait. that's wrong.

Thursday, March 4, 2004

- it's raining! i am gleeful like a giddy little girl right now [that's a scary thought]. i love rain and everything that comes with it (except perhaps for the copious numbers of squishy worms on the sidewalk). i love the look, the feel, the smell. i love that it makes times seem slower, but it lets you see things faster. i love that it makes you think even if you're not thinking about anything at all. i love just being in the rain.

- more than anything, though, i think i love when it starts to rain again because now, instead of bathing regularly, i can just stand outside. cheers to that.
- i don't know why, but i have a tendency to get injured - usually in comical fashion.

- perhaps it's the fact that my mind doesn't compensate for the fact that my body is wider than desired. perhaps it's the fact that my arms are long and dangly, such as would be expected on a 14 year old boy. perhaps it's that my ears have never been good and that it somehow affects my balance. perhaps it's that i'm too short to see what's coming. or perhaps i'm just a klutz.

- i walk into things. often. doors, tables, people, cars, poles, music stands, walls. i've tested the strength of my body against all of these elements (and too many more) on several occasions.

- but it's not just walking into things. i get strange "ouchies" for strange reasons. once, a boy threw a shoe at me and it tore off several layers of skin in my hand (i have a scar). the other day at lunch, i went to smack my friend in the ass thigh, but i missed and hit some girl's hand instead, and she had these giant girly nails that pierced my skin. this other time, i was eating a popsicle and the stick gave me a sliver. and when i was younger, we were playing on the snow ice and i slipped and of course i landed squarely on the protruding jagged ice stick of sharpness and felt like i had cracked a rib and/or punctured a lung for about two weeks.

- sometimes, i just hurt.

Monday, March 1, 2004

- that's right folks, spring is coming, and i can smell it. all the signs are pointing in that direction. what are the signs, you're wondering? well i'll just have to tell you:

- there was that annoying cardinal outside yestermorning that insists on coming back and ruining my springtime sleep every... well.... spring
- i have actually witnessed patches of grass, and the snow that is left is of the disgusting mushy variety
- people have stopped wearing humoungously huge jackets (for people who live much closer to the equator than i (i.e. not in canada), an explanation: people have stopped wearing socks)
- not sure, but i may have spotted the sun the other day
- i have started to shave my legs again

Sunday, February 29, 2004

- today sort of doesn't exist. well it exists, but it only exists in quarters every year, and we kind of throw all those quarters once every four years and forget that they exist the other three years.

- basically, my point is that it would be really cool to do something memorable today. if you've been planning on doing something for a while, or you know there's something you will eventually do, or you jus think of something fun and wacky of the top of your head, do it!! that way, on february 29, 2008, you'll be able to say, "oh yeah, i did <> on february 29, 2004." and the person to whom you are speaking will be in quite a dilemma. "is that four years ago, or is it simply one year ago?" who knows. not me.

- it's fun to mess with other people's heads, though, so get on it!

Saturday, February 28, 2004

- i wish the world was flat. it would be so much easier if there was a definite end. maybe there could be a wall. although i'm sure people would spray paint their names and thoughts and the dirtiest words they could think of all over it. i don't know why people do that, but it's fun to look at. it's interesting to see the thoughts that other people think are so important that they must be permanently attached to a wall or stall or bus. so if you were driving along and suddenly you came to a giant wall with wide assortments of graffiti painted on it, you would know very well that it was time to turn around. but there aren't walls. there isn't even an oddly shaped bush or a pole that is just a little too tall. there is no marker to tell us when we've gone too far, nothing to tell us when to turn around. and sometimes i go too far. i think i am too far in general... when someone gets to me, they're lost. they should never have gotten this far. and they all realize it, eventually. they all go back and leave me. i am what's past the bush and the pole. so how do i get back? how do i put up the wall? or maybe it's already up. maybe i just never move so i don't know it. maybe the wall is where it should be, and i'm just on the outside. someone wanna send me a map?

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

- you know how on every show ever made (and in a considerable number of movies, too), at some point your favourite character is in some sort of giant freak accident and they get rushed to the hospital and they have to administer those giant electric pad things to bring them miraculously back to life? yeah, i wish they had those for shoes.

- so i was walking home with madison from her bus stop and i jumped into a giant bank of snow to avoid getting hit by the bus. and then we walked across the busiest road in the city, which had no doubt just been salted. and then we walked through a park that had more dog crap per capita than any other park that ever existed. and it was raining. and snowy.

- to make a long story short, my shoes are ruined! gone! dead! i miss them.

Monday, February 23, 2004

-things that are fun:
driving too fast
looking at my fat hamster
swinging on swings
watching a friend step in a puddle
rolling down an icy hill

-things that are not fun:
jumping off a swing and hurting your feet
stepping in a bigger puddle
not being able to move coherently after having rolled down an icy hill

Saturday, February 21, 2004

- so i just watched the end of the first period of the leafs - canadiens game (the leafs were winning 3-0, of course, and matt stajan (my husband) scored), and some random guy in the fron row was wearing a senators jersey. how does that make sense?

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

- so, sleeping in my sister's old room while my window stops leaking has made me realize that when it comes to going to bed, i am the oldest "little kid" there is. let's review:

- needs a light on to sleep... check
- needs a flashlight in case the other light doesn't reach all corners of the room... check
- also does some last minute reading with the flashlight under the cover tent so that parentals won't see the flashlight... check
- likes to be tucked in... check
- needs "special teddy"... check
- likes to have a glass of water before bed... <>

- well... i'm getting there. i am sure there are boogie men in the closet.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

- so the word going around is that getting your full drivers' license is supposed to be liberating. well, i've had mine for two weeks [so you're obviously the expert], and i haven't felt it yet.

- no overwhelming feelings of pride, joy, maturity, freedom, or being grown up. a little excitedness, sure, but that was more at the fact that full license = complete music control. no more oldies for me... ....except i like oldies. shh.

- and of course, there have been a couple of those sudden moments of realization where i've thought "woah, i'm driving," or "woah, i could go to texas,**" or "woah, i could really put a spin on things and barrel down a one way street the wrong way," but nothing liberating.

- there have also been the horrible parking jobs with no one there to mock me, the glorious parking jobs with no one there to congratulate me, and then there was the time i almost drove into a pole, but no one saw me. but still... no emphasized feelings of freedom or joy.

- maybe i'm just weird.

** i don't actually want to go to texas... no offense to texans, i'm just pretty small as it is, so if "everything's bigger" there, i can't say that i think texas and i would get along too well.

Monday, February 16, 2004

- my house makes lots of noises.

- first, there's the hamster. fergus (that's the hamster) could be seven rooms away from me, and i swear i can still hear him running on his little wheel. which would be conceivable, except i can't hear it when i'm in the same room as him. so it must be the house.

- then, there's the nail file. this one's only at night, but it distinctly sounds like someone filing their nails. i shudder to picture this (nail things are just gross), so i generally try to ignore this sound.

- don't forget the crazy fast bike slamming on the breaks on a hot day and the sound its tires make as it skids to a stop. yeah, that one happens, too. it's really loud and in your face, kind of like fred durst, only slightly more enjoyable.

- finally, there's almost always a background synthesized tuba on b flat noise. (maybe it's f, i don't have perfect pitch) it's just there. along with the other notes, there's no dissonance. it's kind of pleasant sometimes, but it's still strange. oh synthesized tuba, you never let me down.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

- for reasons unbeknownst to me, i wrote down a whole bunch of random words and their meanings in a notebook a long time ago... i just found it. yay! are you ready for this jelly? here:

who eats grains

who likes mushrooms (hehe i'm a granivorous mycophile)

excessively or submissively fond of a wife(i want one)

spiteful old woman

amount by which a bottle falls short of being full

resembling a grape

sausage shaped(impress your loved ones with this one at the breakfast table... "my, this sausage
is rather allantoid"...)

rambling meaningless talk

wordy nonsense(i guess that makes my blog waffly rigmarole)

- well, kids, that's all for now. but stay tuned; we will be doing a continuation of our series "how to get rid of any readers your blog might possible have," so don't forget to keep watching

Thursday, February 12, 2004

- i thinks bars of soap are disgusting.

- the idea of cleaning itself is actually a good thing (who knew?), but with a bar of soap? just eww. really, people. when you wash your hands with a bar of soap, you rub your dirty germy hands all over it, right? so where do the germs go? well, they're washed off by the soap, right? but where do they go?

- if germs are washed off by soap, who's to say they're going to wait until you put water on them to leave? i am positive that some germs, in fact, are transferred on to the soap (don't believe me? go get your hands really dirty then wash them with a bar of soap. soap gets dirty, eh?).

- so when i go and wash my hands with a bar of soap, i'm getting other people's hand (and probably bathroom) germs all over me. other people suck.

- similarly, baths are gross. let's see, when we wash in a bath, the dirt and germs go into the water, and i'm washing myself with... the same water!! hmm... what is wrong with this picture?

- oh yeah, the water is dirty. dirty, dirty, dirty!

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

- for anyone who has seen the truman show, you should know that it is the basis of my ultimate conspiracy theory.

- truman is this man who, since birth, has been constantly videotaped without his consent or knowledge. the production team of his show created an entire world for him, and he simply lived, no questions asked.

- i always wonder whether i should be asking questions. i could be truman. for all i know, there are cameras everywhere. i don't know why people would want to watch me, but maybe i'm some sort of freak experiment. how do i know that the world is what it seems to be? maybe i've been placed in a little box of reality, something that isn't anything like life, but keeps me alive just enough to see what i do. to me, the fact that this is a possibility is absolutely terrifying. to have someone just know me like that - for them to know what i've done every second of every day of my life... it's just scary.

- but of course, me being paranoid and all [because everything up there certainly wasn't paranoid], i take it a step further:
- what if my thoughts aren't safe? the only things i know about how my body and mind work are things i've heard or read - things i've been told by other people. but what if my body doesn't work at all like they say? what if i'm some puppet? what if i'm theirs? what if they exist inside my mind?

- as farfetched as it may sound, to me, it's possible. how do i know which thoughts are right and which ones are wrong unless someone's in there giving me insight?

- oh, brain, sometimes you hurt.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

- 0477700006 <--- this is what happened when i dropped my calculator down the stairs.

Sunday, February 8, 2004

- i fear spiders. i fear being different but i also fear being the same as everyone else. i fear that even if i truly believe in something, i can't speak of it because i may offend someone somewhere. i fear that i hurt people even if i never want to. i fear that i am my one and only true friend. i fear people. i fear being perfect, but i also fear being anything less than that. i fear being secluded and not included. i fear the dark and all of the monsters under my bed. i fear being successful in life but not happy with the success i have acheived. i fear not pleasing everyone. i fear not finding something that i am the best at. i fear needles. i fear i don't have a voice strong enough to defend myself against what people might say about me. i fear what people might say about me. i feear that i will be considered crazy. i fear death. i fear there isn't a place for me in this world.

- in conclusion, cats are stupid and dogs bark.

Thursday, February 5, 2004

- you know how "danger is my middle name" is supposed to be kind of a pick up line? well, it would turn me right off (not that anyone would try to pick me up, anyway). call me old fashioned [you're old fashioned], but to me danger is... uhh... dangerous. driving really fast, fighting, burning - all examples of things that are apparently thrilling.

- well, excuse me for being the ostrich, but please allow me to stick my head in the ground. i don't want to see danger, to hear it, to smell it, to perceive it in any way. it's just scary aah-ness.

- so, john "danger" smith, i'd much prefer it if your middle name was melvin.

Wednesday, February 4, 2004

- i got my full licence today, after a spiffy "one mistake" road test. i would like to point out that i rock.

Tuesday, February 3, 2004

- i've always thought that losers knew they were losers. cool people know they're cool; dumb jocks jocks know they're dumb jocks (that's about all they know); so it only made sense to me that losers would know that they're losers.

- as an individual in the society that is high school, i've never know where to place myself on the oh-so-essential "ladder of cool". the ladder that determines who you talk to, who you're allowed to sit with in the cafeteria/library, how frequently you answer questions in class, etc. i never thought of myself as cool, but i didn't think i was a loser, either.

- so then at school the other day, as i was passing an acquaintance and her group of friends in the hall, she said (directed partly to me, so that i would know what was being discussed), "see? heather's walking alone; she doesn't look like a loser." i kind of smiled at first, taking this as a compliment.

- but then, i wondered:
- people are afraid of walking in halls alone in case people think that they're a loser? does that mean the same people assume that people walking in halls alone are losers?
- i walk by myself all the time, i thought.

- in came the voices: [alert! alert! you are a loser!]

- i was awestruck for a moment. let's say two moments, just to be dramatic. it all kind of... well... fit.

- i am simply a loser, i decided.

- i also decided to blog about it. just to warn anyone else who might have had the same misconceptions as i did. beware: losers don't know they're losers. it happened to me; it could happen to you, too.

Sunday, February 1, 2004

- it really bothers me when people in a certain region (eg. canada) complain about weather that is completely typical and characteristic of that region (eg. cold and/or snow).

- i am canadian. i've always lived here - that's 16 winters, not one with less than two feet of snow at some given time. and sometimes, i am cold. sometimes, the snow bothers me. but i don't complain, because it's expected that it's going to be cold and/or snowy in winter in canada. all canadians know that. most people of the world could tell you that. so if you don't like cold and/or snow, and you know canada is cold and/or snowy, don't live here. or at least, don't complain to me about it.

- and if you hate it that much, move to florida.

Saturday, January 31, 2004

- if you're looking to kill approximately 9 minutes by watching a hilariously random and slightly disturbing stick man cartoon with nothing to do with anything, go here and click on "rejected" underneath media. warning: not for people who aren't amused by stupidity.

- thomas is moving. i've been trying to tell myself this for something ridiculous, like 7 months. it's still not sinking in, but it's happening in 2 days. maybe it has sunk in, i don't know. it's kind of numbing, though. we've only been close - really close - for about a year - one crazy, crazy year. and i know it won't be the same when he's gone, so i've been trying to prepare myself for letting go, but every time i think about it, i want to hold on tighter. that sounded stupid. and it sounded like i think we're married. or going out. or something. we're not.

- and it's not like he's even going that far, or that we'll never see each other. we'll see each other plenty. just not every day. not like it is now. it just won't be the same, and change scares me. it scares most people, i think, but especially me. as ephram from everwood said, "if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar".

Friday, January 30, 2004

- madison and i were at the mall today and we had to use the public phones on several occasions. eww! i have a thing about using public phones - well, more about not using them. i just think it's gross. when you think about how many people have touched the phone - put their ears on it and most likely their mouths, too

- it's kind of overwhelming. it just gives me the creeps. i know there are much more unsanitary places, such as a public washroom, perhaps. but public washrooms get cleaned. when's the last time you've seen a "caution: slippery when wet" sign on a public phone?

- yeah, that's what i thought. they're gross.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

- U2: Kite
- who's to say where the wind will take you / who's to know what it is will break you / i don't know / which way the wind will blow / who's to know when the time has come around / don't wanna see you cry / i know that this is not goodbye.

- that, ladies and gentleman, was a necessary blog. it makes me feel better.

- and, since everyone has been feeling kind of "not good" as of late, i decided to post this:
- think about love, or hate, or joy, or rage - whatever makes you feel something, makes your palms sweat and your toes curl. focus on that feeling. when people don't express themselves, they die one piece at a time. you'd be amazed at how many people are really dead inside - walking through their days with no idea who they are, just waiting for a heart attack or cancer or a speeding beer truck to come along and finish the job.

- i read pretty much exactly that in a book once (i can't remember what it was called, but it was about a girl who bit her lips too much), and i wrote it down somewhere, and i think i might have changed it a little, but it is by no means mine. (that was my disclaimer)

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

- i'm just getting off a science kick, since i had three sciences (biology, chemsitry, and physics) this semester, and i just finished studying my tooshie off. so i've been looking for some interesting yet amusing science links. here's a good find, and a good reason to brush three times a day AND floss AND use some listerine.

- watermelon, anyone?

Sunday, January 25, 2004

- if the castle thing from yesterday isn't exactly what you look for in a game (trust me, it is), then there's always another alternative: spanking a monkey. as dirty as it may sound, you honestly just slap a monkey with a giant hand. my best slap was 548 miles per hour (that's about 882 kilometeres per hour, for those who use the metric system).

Saturday, January 24, 2004

- if you have a castle, and you would like to spend hours defending it by throwing your attackers in the air and hearing the satisfying crush of their bones and splatter of their blood as they land, and you don't want to do anything illegal, i recommend going here.

- i got to level 11 my first time, so it can't be THAT hard. i was just about to buy the lovely pool thing (i have no idea what use it has) when i was defeated. so now i'm forced to study.

- but hey, if you decide to go kill some peasants, i'll be with you in spirit.
- today thomas and i were talking about bill murray in general. for some reason, he thought i wouldn't know who bill murray is (probably because i'm an idiot), so he insisted on listing every bill murray movie known to man. what was particularly offensive to me was that when he got around to mentioning ghostbusters, he tacked "not quite as respectable" in front of it.

- what's not respectable about a giant marshmallow man called stay puft who walks around the city looking all giant and marshmallow-y and who terrorizes the people? sometimes, all i can do is shake my head in wonder.

Friday, January 23, 2004

- "toast crumblies" have replaced "having to pick wedgies in public" on my list of things that annoy me (at least you can make a joke out of the wedgies - the crumblies are just wrong). i hate when i decide to butter my toast (toast is, in fact, the only thing i butter) and there are those crispy little buggers sitting there looking all innocent. well they know perfectly well i don't want someone else's toast on my toast! ew!

- i've always wondered - what's the point of this? first of all, "diet" is "die" with a typo. secondly, caffeine free? so your reason for drinking this would be...? pretend calories that don't make you hyper? how can this be the way the world was supposed to be??

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

- a while ago, a guy my dad works with went up north to hunt moose, so my dad volunteered me to take care of his guinea pig (which i actually didn't mind). so the guy came back, and as a present, he brought us some moose meat (mmmm). so i was looking around in the freezer today, and suddenly my hand touched what i thought were frozen cookies. no, no, it was frozen moose guts. attractive.

- and hey, we all enjoy a little cow tipping.

Monday, January 19, 2004

- i would like to mention here that I am adding Strong Bad to my list of people for me to marry, for he is sexy.

- the other day, i got to thinking, and i was wondering if anyone else has noticed that band-aids make the world a better place. really? every scrape, skinned knee, paper cut, etc. feels better when there are band-aids involved. they're such a security blanket.

- survey says: neon green band-aids are as good as it gets.

- since exams are so close (for me anyway), i would like to supply all dedicated procrastinators with a way to kill five minutes: the virtual stapler.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

- i wish i was an advice giver. you know, one of those all-knowing people that everyone just has a tendancy to drift toward? one of those people who is always prepared to listen to your problems or thoughts, and who says the right things - not just because they want to make you happy, but because they're right.

- i know two advice givers, and they're both incredicly reliable people. i envy them, because i would love to be as viewd as all-knowing, easy to talk to, and a good giver of advice. i pity them because i know from experience that people (eg. me) go to them to complain as well as converse, and i'm sure it gets tedious. also, peple who want to talk to them evidently want to talk about themselves, to some degree. advice givers probably don't get asked many quetions about themselves. on one hand, they'd at least be getting partially left alone, but on the other, it would probably also feel like no one cared about them.

- but i know that's not true; i love my advice givers. and i wish i was one. it would really interest me to hear other people's troubles and to try and help them. i find the inner workings of other people intriguing.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

- V8 splash is my saviour.

- you see, my mother has decided to make me eternally unhappy (i.e. healthy) by banning all carbonated beverages from our household (she wants the coke addiction to stop). there were only two other drinks to... well... drink... in my house: diet caffeine free gingerale (enough said) and water (tasty, but not enough taste, you know?). i used the past tense because i convinced my mother that if i am not allowed to have coke, i should have some sort of other tasty beverage in order to wean myself off the coke. juice it was. my new addiction to V8 splash (and its many derivatives - eg. V8 splash strawberry kiwi) has resulted.

- V8 splash is my saviour.

- in other news, i have rediscovered the blessing that is hand sanitizer. "purel" to some, "one step" to me, gift to all. who wouldn't delight in a tiny bottle of oozy nice smelling goodness that kills 99.9% off germs with a single goosh? those of you who have no idea what i'm talking about are definitely missing out. hand sanitizer: get it.

- some people are stupid. i don't think i need to elaborate on this. i have my reasons for stating it, but you have your reasons for agreeing with it (and i know you do agree), because everyone knows someone stupid. even if you're someone else's stupid person, you have a stupid person of your own. it's like having an arch nemesis, only you're not competing against them because they don't have the mental capacity to keep up. let's just hope all the stupids are on the good side. (come on, you knew i was evil all along).

- if i were a true genius, i would say something clever and witty to close, such as "muwahahaha". but i am not a genius and am therefore neither clever nor witty. or at least, that's what i'd like you to believe.

Thursday, January 1, 2004

-here is my theme song list for 2003: (by theme song, i mean songs that represent my general feelings for the month. i do not have the permission of any artists or labels to call any of these songs my theme songs, but i am doing it anyway, for i am evil)

january: annie, our lady peace

february: anna begins, counting crows

march: clocks, coldplay

april: so i need you, three doors down

may: lost together, blue rodeo june:

breathing, lifehouse july: that day, natalie imbruglia

august: life is a highway, tom cochrane

september: goodbye, spice girls

october: i am a rock, simon and garfunkel

november: bring me to life, evanescence

december: grey street, dave matthews band

- some of these may or may not make sense if you're not me. some of them could be very grossly misinterpreted. i would like some of them to be grossly misinterpreted to keep my feelings to myself.