everything is everything

- universities want students to get fat.

- proof:
- cost of a plate of fruit: $3.20
- cost of a plate of fries: $0.40

- that's right, folks, i can have eight plates of fries for the cost of one plate of fruit. fuck you, post secondary. and at the same time, thanks very much.

the beat of my...

- and as i stood in the hallway farting freely, only seconds from the door to my room, i realized that living in residence had stripped me of my last few ounces of shame.

- i'm unstoppable.

so says my pudding

- "now lower fat and meatless!"

i was thinking of you

- one of my closest friends is sikh. he has a lot of hair. mostly, his head hair is in a turban. his beard, however, hangs boldly and freely in front of his face.

- in general, this provides much fun, as i do not have a beard and somewhat wish that i did. they are so much fun to stroke. it makes me feel thoughtful.

- the other night, however, my eye was bothering me for quite some time. when i finally got home and had a chance to investigate, i removed my contact and examined it. sure enough, one of his beard hairs had made its way underneath my contact and had been rubbing itself against my eye all night.

- merry christmas to you too, kartar.

no glove, no love

- now that's it's christmas break, i've had some time to catch up. i was reading a book of lists. 'twas the title of the list which first caught mine eye: average size of erect penis for various species, it said. at first, i tried to restrain, telling myself that i wasn't a pervert. but i am a pervert. so i read the list with great interest.

- the key points: the average length of an erect penis of an elephant is ten feet. as a comparison, the tallest man who ever lived (robert pershing wadlow, for those who are interested) was 8 feet 11 inches. and he was more or less a giant, having the disease 'giantism' or something like that.

- there is a species of duck (i'm at a loss for the specific name) that, on average, is sixteen inches in length. the average length of its erect penis is seventeen inches. did anyone else just picture that? was it way more ridiculous than it was impressive? yeah, me too.

- final point (and redeeming point, for those males in the audience): the average length of a gorilla's erect penis is two inches. that's slightly bigger than my pinky, but not by much.

- final final point: i really wish that i had talked about a rhinoceros, or possibly a dinosaur, so that i could make a pun about being horny.

you shouldn't have

- this weekend, it was thanksgiving for all those who live north of the 42nd parallel and west of the atlantic ocean and who are not in alaska.

- man, am i thankful.

- i am thankful for my family. i am thankful that my uncle fondly refers to my sister as "boozey." i am thankful that my other sister sprays whipped cream into my cleavage then mooshes it into my boobs. i am thankful that a vast majority of the jokes in my family involve my mother giving the middle finger.

- i am thankful for my friends. i am thankful that we take time out of our day to search for the emperor's new groove so that we can have the pleasure of watching it. i am thankful that my friends try (and fail) to help me with physics, and that the only question i got right with all of us working on it collectively was the one that i made up a number for the answer. i am thankful that when we only have an hour left of our vacation, we get together and play mario kart on n64.

- i am thankful for hockey. i am thankful that the hockey night theme song can come on and make me so happy that a tear comes to mine eye. i am thankful that my favourite team can lose their first three games and that i'm not worried because at least they're playing. i'm thankful that they will start winning, because i said so.

- but mostly, i'm thankful for that leftover piece of apple pie that i had for breakfast this morning.

hear me roar

- sometimes, i really just like to sleep on the floor. whether there's a bed or not. no blankets, no pillows, no sleeping bags

- those are for people who are not manly. like, perhaps, women. but a woman i am not!

- i can't really explain it at all, but sleeping on the floor just seems natural, once in a while. i mean, eventually you'd get all sorts of crazy back problems and because a crouchy person, or at least i assume so, cause that's what happened back when beds weren't comfy, but once in a while, it's worth it.

- i guess maybe it's the idea of being able to comfort yourself without the use of pillows or blankets or any of the other silly things that give us a false sense of security. it's nice to think in a world of so many dependencies, one can still be a little self-reliant.

- but the next night, the bed is where it's at.