- i have am currently wearing socks which are seven sizes too big, not actually mine, and filled with sand, a sweatshirt that says, "skateboarding is not a crime," and a bathing suit that is too small in the bottom and too large in the top.
- but i am incredibly happy.
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
the cup
- i had to go get blood taken today.
- i also had to give some urine, and that's the idea i'm going to centre around, so if you don't want to hear about it, i suggest not reading any further.
- i was in the little, impersonal bathroom (which was not nearly soundproof enough), trying to figure out how to hold the dinky little cup as to not urinate on myself, when i started thinking about how the cup is a really impractical idea for those of the female persuasion.
- you see, we don't really have any way of aiming. sometimes it goes straight down, sometimes it goes all over the legs, and sometimes it does a little bit of both. hell, it's hard even to control the pressure of the flow. so how can we be expected to pee into the cup?
- and the cup itself is quite offensive. it's tiny, first of all. so they're either saying, "you should be skilled enough to aim your urine into this tiny container" (and then make you feel even worse when you can't), or "look at how tiny of a bladder you have" (and then make you feel disgusting when your urine takes up more space than the cup and dribbles onto your hands instead).
- and it's clear. that, to me, means the manufacturers of the cup intend for the stupid thing to taunt you when it's not full. "hey, look at me," it says, "i'm still empty. your bladder is really shitty."
- sometimes i wish i was a boy.
- i also had to give some urine, and that's the idea i'm going to centre around, so if you don't want to hear about it, i suggest not reading any further.
- i was in the little, impersonal bathroom (which was not nearly soundproof enough), trying to figure out how to hold the dinky little cup as to not urinate on myself, when i started thinking about how the cup is a really impractical idea for those of the female persuasion.
- you see, we don't really have any way of aiming. sometimes it goes straight down, sometimes it goes all over the legs, and sometimes it does a little bit of both. hell, it's hard even to control the pressure of the flow. so how can we be expected to pee into the cup?
- and the cup itself is quite offensive. it's tiny, first of all. so they're either saying, "you should be skilled enough to aim your urine into this tiny container" (and then make you feel even worse when you can't), or "look at how tiny of a bladder you have" (and then make you feel disgusting when your urine takes up more space than the cup and dribbles onto your hands instead).
- and it's clear. that, to me, means the manufacturers of the cup intend for the stupid thing to taunt you when it's not full. "hey, look at me," it says, "i'm still empty. your bladder is really shitty."
- sometimes i wish i was a boy.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
- i am done exams. done. finito. no more.
- i would love to go on and on about how glad i am that i finally have my freedom and what not, but i am going to summer school to get ahead for next year. so i have a week and a half of freedom.
- what i do know is that things are going to change for me and my friends this summer. we have just got our licenses and jobs and such, so in that sense we are all going to have freedom. and it's going to be interesting to see what we do with it, i think.
- it's bare, bare, bare around these parts. sorry.
- i would love to go on and on about how glad i am that i finally have my freedom and what not, but i am going to summer school to get ahead for next year. so i have a week and a half of freedom.
- what i do know is that things are going to change for me and my friends this summer. we have just got our licenses and jobs and such, so in that sense we are all going to have freedom. and it's going to be interesting to see what we do with it, i think.
- it's bare, bare, bare around these parts. sorry.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
i feel like chicken tonight
- okay so we've all had kfc chicken, right? or seen someone eat it? we're all familiar with the look and feel of the skin?
- now it's "do heather a favour" time. we need to prove my theory.
- stretch out your left arm (assuming you're using your right one for scrolling). move your right hand to the underside of your elbow - the part that would have been pointy, had your elbow been bent. good. now grasp skin. not too much. just a pleasant semi handful. good. now pull. feel the texture; look at it. - and what does it remind you of?
- that's what i thought. elbow skin = kfc chicken.
- now it's "do heather a favour" time. we need to prove my theory.
- stretch out your left arm (assuming you're using your right one for scrolling). move your right hand to the underside of your elbow - the part that would have been pointy, had your elbow been bent. good. now grasp skin. not too much. just a pleasant semi handful. good. now pull. feel the texture; look at it. - and what does it remind you of?
- that's what i thought. elbow skin = kfc chicken.
Monday, June 14, 2004
you put it where?
- so i purchased a dress last week. a halter top dress.
- that means no bras allowed. not the regular type, anyway. and since i'm not adventurous in the lingerie department, i only have regular bras. i am not exactly tiny in the chest, so braless wasn't an option.
- duct tape.
- i took a roll of duct tape and rolled it around my chestal region until i felt that adequate support was had. then i jumped around and felt the flappers flap, and put on more duct tape.
- although i would recommend this method to anyone who needs a makeshift bra, i would not recommend this to a hairy person. i am hairy. it hurt like a bitch to remove said duct tape.
- that means no bras allowed. not the regular type, anyway. and since i'm not adventurous in the lingerie department, i only have regular bras. i am not exactly tiny in the chest, so braless wasn't an option.
- duct tape.
- i took a roll of duct tape and rolled it around my chestal region until i felt that adequate support was had. then i jumped around and felt the flappers flap, and put on more duct tape.
- although i would recommend this method to anyone who needs a makeshift bra, i would not recommend this to a hairy person. i am hairy. it hurt like a bitch to remove said duct tape.
Saturday, June 12, 2004
give it to me baby
- warning: you probably don't want to read this.
- this morning, i woke up with a strange thought in my head:
- "wouldn't it be funny to see giraffes try to have sex?"
- really... they're so tall and awkward. i just don't see how it could be done gracefully at all. not that any kind of animals having sex could necessarily be described as graceful. except possibly for dragonflies. they're so pretty to start with, and then they have to try and have sex whilst flying, without hitting random passerbys. like me.
- this message has been brought to you by: a very tired and distraught heather.
- this morning, i woke up with a strange thought in my head:
- "wouldn't it be funny to see giraffes try to have sex?"
- really... they're so tall and awkward. i just don't see how it could be done gracefully at all. not that any kind of animals having sex could necessarily be described as graceful. except possibly for dragonflies. they're so pretty to start with, and then they have to try and have sex whilst flying, without hitting random passerbys. like me.
- this message has been brought to you by: a very tired and distraught heather.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
*ahem*
- is this thing on?
- am i still allowed here?
- i am seriously sorry about the severe lack of me around these parts lately, but exams are over in a week; i'm sure you'll see more of me soon.
- tah tah!
- am i still allowed here?
- i am seriously sorry about the severe lack of me around these parts lately, but exams are over in a week; i'm sure you'll see more of me soon.
- tah tah!
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