Monday, August 22, 2005

better than cocaine. and by better, i mean worse.

- i'm having one of those nights right now where, if i was really really hella uber nerdy, i might say that i was "high on life." but really, i'm not quite that nerdy, although i am borderline that nerdy, but still i'm not quite there, so i won't say that. everything seems to be ten times more hilarious than it really should, and all the colours seem to be brighter even though it's dark and because of the cones in my eyes needing light to see colour i can't see colour, it still seems to work out that they're brighter. obviously there's something wrong with me because i'm not completely coherent, but i don't think anyone will mind.

- my friends and i played balderdash tonight. balderdash is a game where you have a card with the name of a thing or a person or a time or a movie or an acronym, and the true answer is ridiculous, and everyone writes down their own answer and they're all read out along with the real one and you have to guess which one is the right answer. i don't know if that makes sense at all. anyway, at one point tonight, the word was paddlecock, and while it wasn't the real answer, this one was my favourite: the term originated when the english, paddling in canoes, would frighten the paddlers into submission by yelling, 'paddle harder, you cock suckers.' the insult was later shortened into simply 'paddlecock.'

- you're a paddlecock.

- also? again with my friends (how are we such absurd people)... tonight we actually had the following two conversations.

- conversation #1: while in a parking lot, i noticed that the balderdash game that i had placed in the back of the van was now in the middle of the van.
heather: why hello there, balderdash, how did you get up here?
julie: well, i just sprouted legs and walked up here.
heather: and a voice box?
julie: and vocal cords.
heather: and a brain?
julie: and a central nervous system.
heather: so basically you became a person?
julie: yes, a box person. hello, my name is balderdash, i'm a box person.

- conversation #2: we were walking through the grocery store with kartar and julie flirting incessantly, me walking ahead of them.
heather: guys, sometimes being the third wheel sucks.
kartar: you're not the third wheel, we're just a three-wheeled vehicle.
julie: yeah, we're a tricycle!
heather: but i'm still the lonely front wheel.
(at this point, julie rushed up to walk next to be, leaving kartar alone behind us.)
kartar: okay, now we're just going backwards.

- okay yeah. i guess i am nerdy enough to say it. i'm high on life.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

here i dreamt i was a mathematician

- i woke up the other day and realized that i had been doing multiplication in my sleep. with big cartoon numbers. this made it fun.

i'm going to shell you

- mario kart really is a classic game, because it makes absolutely no sense, but people still like it. i mean, a bunch of cartoon characters rave around in go-carts. that much is, if not believable, at least understandable.

- i also comprehend that competition would lead them to want to sabotage each other's game with anything they possibly could; everybody wants to win, right? because winning is everything.

- but really. who leaves boxes containing bananas and shells and lighting and ghosts sitting around a racetrack?

- how do you even get those things into boxes? i mean, bananas and shells are easy enough, i'm sure, though to be honest i've never tried. but lightning? ghosts? how to you capture said items and place them into something solid. lighting is unpredictable and deadly, and ghosts don't exist (and are deadly). can you imagine how many times someone actually fails at this job before they succeed?

- boss: "johnston! how many times do i have to tell you! get the lightning and put it inside the box! i don't care how many times it went through your body; through your body doesn't get results! get out there and fight it like a man, johnston."
- poor unfortunate employee: "but, sir -"
- boss: "don't be a pussy, johnston."
- poor unfortunate employee: *jumps out of the window*

- so really. he would go through all of this work and then just leave the damn boxes sitting around the racetrack carelessly? i think not.

- furthermore, some of the items just don't make sense. why does lightning make people small? why is a red shell more deadly than a green shell? why does a blue shell target the player in first? wouldn't an oil slick be a more effective slippery tool than a banana? so many questions are left unanswered.

- what a sweet game.