s'cuse me, pardon me

- has anyone else noticed that the last people to get to a show (be it theatrical, musical, or otherwise) are always the people who sit in the middle of the row?

- it's really interesting to remember that these people - the ones who sneak in three seconds before the performance starts and then barrel through everyone in their path so that your choices are either get your knees the hell out of the way or have them taken off; the ones who seem to have rip van winkled since the day they bought their tickets and just woken up and realized that the performance was in ten minutes - most likely had no problem being on time when they were beating you to the tickets for the prime seating area.

- those bastards.

- so what i suggest instead is the five minute system. the people in the middle group of seats are expected at a particular time. the people on the outside of them are scheduled to arrive five minutes later, and so on. the last people are scheduled to arrive ten minutes before the start of the show, so that all annoying shuffling and shifting-in-the-seat ceases before the commencement of the performance.

- the best part is, if you miss your time, the people on the outside of you get to move into your seats. the later you are, the more shitty seats you get. - how much fun would it be to usher that show?

- usher: "sorry sir, you were a jackass and didn't show up until three seconds before the performance. here, have these terrible seats."
- jackass: "a-wha?"
- usher: [smirking] "enjoy the show!"

- cue the start of the performance.

the lost art

- the school systems generally try to make sure that students are taught all of the arts: literature, music, visual art, and drama. some are imperative, others are optional, but most are at least offered.

- but there is one key exception. one very important and useful art is left out. this art has a direct impact on most of our lives.

- the art of cutting cheese.

- you may laugh, but think seriously for just a moment. how many times have you been frustrated at cutting crooked cheese? how many times have you gone to have a quick snack, and you spend more than a quick amount of time trying to fix the mess you made with the cheese?

- i don't know, but anytime i cut a slice, it's crooked. and then i try to overcorrect to balance it out, and somehow my efforts leave the cheese even more messed up. it's usually around his point in time when i flail my arms at the sky and yell, "why must you smite me with your crooked cheese, oh might smiter?"

- and then i wrap the cheese and let the next person figure it out. it doesn't really matter that much - since no one can cut cheese properly, they'll probably just think it was them anyway.

let me play among the stars

- no matter how much i age, i'm pretty sure it will always be cool when it's cold enough out that i can pretend i'm smoking just by breathing.

- smoking isn't cool.

- but pretend smoking? it's so cool that i'd go so far as to say that it's smokin'.